Saturday, 28 December 2013

The Power Trip

I love my teddy bear. I really do.
Sometimes all I want to do all day, is sit on her lap, and cuddle her.

However, after many years of trying, I've learnt that if I do.
She'll whisper in my ear so softly, the kindest words ever imaginable.

How adorable I am.
How wonderful I am.
How I need to go downstairs, and take the trash out, bring the tray she left downstairs, upstairs, then help her fix her computer, then read her text messages for her, then change my Facebook profile photo to something more appropriate, then cut my hair, then shave, then go outside and buy some milk and bananas, then marry my cousin.

And if, I ask her for just one more hug instead of swiftly doing these tasks.

She gets angry.
She gets mad.
She shouts.
She tells me I'm a fool.
She tells me I'm the devil.

I don't hug my teddy bear anymore.

Friday, 5 July 2013

The Anti-Marriage

Women have a tendency to nag.
Men ignore it for sex.

I'm not anti-marriage,
I'm just anti-marrying for the sake of culture.

People should want to be with, and stay with each other.
Not be forced to stay with each other, out of fear of financial or social reprimands.

That's not love.
That's a job contract.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

You're One in a Million

"Look at what my boyfriend just sent me!"

Now you might think.. aww cute.
Or maybe you've been hurt and stopped believing and say it's lies.

But if you think about it.
There's 7 billion people on the Earth.
Which means there's 7 thousand one in a millions on this planet.

But, let's apply some metrics to help the romance behind this case.
The UK has a population of 63 million.
Which means that by living in the UK, she gets to be 1 in a 100 by default.

But she's in her early 20s, and there's only 2 million of that age range in the UK.
So she's up to 1 in 3500 for being of that age.

But she's female. Which doubles us up to 1 in 7000 for being a 20s female, living in the UK.

Next, let's add that they're a muslim couple.
With the UK muslim population occupying 2.7%.
She sky rockets to being 1 in 300,000 for just being a 20s female muslim living in the UK.

Which means, she's 1 in 4 out of every muslim female in the UK.

...Now let's apply the metric that they're an Iraqi couple. Of which the Iraqi Embassy in the UK estimate a population of 350,000. Which means 0.5% of the UK population, which gives us a bonus multiplier of 180.

So guys and girls, with over 200 cultures in the UK, when a someone tells you that you're one in a million, they're actually being humble.
You're at least one in 54 million.

..Not that it's anything really to boast about.

PRO TIPS: Always ask for clarification.
One in a million humans? Mammals? Creatures?
One in a million this decade? Century? Millennia?
Have they tried it on with a million people? If so, doesn't that worry you?

Friday, 9 November 2012

Two Wrong Lessons about Love


When I was 14, I fell in love with Jerry McGuire. If you haven't seen this movie, please do so before reading on.

In the second to last scene of the film, when Jerry goes back to his wife to tell her that he loves her.

This is how I saw and heard that scene
Jerry: "I love you, you, complete me.."
Dorothy: "Shut up, just shut up, you had me and hello?"

- Dorothy cries.
- Jerry moves towards Dorothy.

Dorothy: "You had me and hello?"

- They kiss

What I interpreted that as our constant battle between our mind and our hearts in pursuit of love. Dorothy's mind tried ever so hard to shut Jerry off, because she knew he had the ability to hurt her. Which is why she was saying 'you had me and hello?', as in, hello? you broke my heart. But, her tears deceived her. Her heart knew that she loved him, and in the end it overpowered her mind.

This is what actually happened

Jerry: "I love you, you, complete me.."
Dorothy: "Shut up, just shut up, you had me at hello."

- Dorothy cries.
- Jerry moves towards Dorothy.

Dorothy: "You had me at hello."

- They kiss

What actually happened was a really cute/corney reference to an earlier exchange they shared with a deaf couple in love.


When I was a kid, my elder brother was a heavy Guns and Roses fan. Their lead guitarist; Slash, also featured in a Michael Jackson video, who was my other brothers favourite Artist, which lead him to also like the band. When the song 'November Rain' came out it received a lot of air time in my household. I don't remember the exact age, but when I was a starting secondary school, around 13, I decided to actually listen to the lyrics of the song rather than trip out on the power.

This is what I heard
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could keep a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

What I interpreted is that if you keep your heart broken, it's more likely to appreciate the good in this world.

This is what was actually said

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

What this is actually teaching you is to get over break ups and move on.

I'm probably just over-thinking things as usual. We all individually re-interpret the world through our own minds, usually slanting it towards the way we would like to believe it to be. But looking back, I wonder how much magnitude these misinterpretations had on the person I chose to be.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

I'll follow you

I was never alive to meet my grandparents, they had passed away before I was born.
However, the story of their life has made a great impact on mine, they shared a love unlike I've heard of before. I don't really know the complete story of how they got together. I know that my grandma was English, but was born in Egypt. Her family came to Egypt during England's financial occupation of the Suiz Canal. But, they did not meet in Egypt.

My grandpa was Egyptian, and to seek a more learned future, he traveled to England for study. Over there he met my grandma in a community gathering. My grandma's mum had been influenced by the Muslim culture during her time in Egypt, and was seeking to revert to Islam. In doing so, she divorced her husband and ended up back in England. Now, my grandpa couldn't stay long in England as he wasn't a resident, so although he loved my grandma, nothing would blossom. However, they did stay in touch, not the staying in touch of today with Facebook or Twitter or Whatsapp. I think they must of wrote letters to each other.

Over the years, my grandpa would visit England to study, and my grandma would visit Egypt, because they had a home there too. Eventually my grandma moved to Egypt with her mum. And, eventually they did get married. But that's not the story of love that influenced my life.

The decades passed, and their love remained strong. One day my grandpa wished my grandma goodbye and headed off to work. That would be the last day my grandma would see him alive. He passed away (allah yehamo), and my grandma fell sick. He was her rock, he was her life, he meant everything to her, and in losing him, she was broken and due to the emotional stress, all her hair fell out.

My seventeen year old dad, took responsibility of the household, and worked as hard as he could in this life to provide for his mum and five siblings. My grandma would recover from her sickness and live on to become closer to god, in hope to one day she her love again.

Now, I don't believe I'll ever live to find someone to love me as much as she loved my grandpa. But, I want to try as hard as I can in this world to make sure I stay healthy. That I diet for the rest of my life, that I work out for the rest of my life. So that my wife will never have the opportunity to experience such loss.

Inshallah, when I die, it'll be after you, ok?..
Pretty please :)